The Impact of You

Not really

Not today.

I knew of you,

The preparations for

Your arrival

Never seeming complete.

I waited with trepidation,

Worried about my suitability,

My expertise.

Was I deserving?

Would I be able to cope

With the future,

And what was to come

Of a life, I was still

So unsure of.

But nothing

Could have prepared me

For the changes

That awaited.

I thought that

If I could just

Love you strongly enough

All would be well.

It was the natural way

Of things,

An inevitability.

Life would be affected,

And accepted that

In the round,

I might need to change

What were, up until then,

Selfish goals.

Perhaps, looking back,

I was already confused

By what was to come

Of my place in the world,

Questioning life,

And its purpose.

The ground was not

As prepared as it should have been.

But I was blinded

By ignorance and youth.

You were a stranger,

An expectation

Of great promise,

But a feared one.

I realise now,

Not enough was said,

There was already

A breakdown,

Communication difficult

To maintain,

Barriers constructed,

Too hazardous to overcome.

It is only now, after

So many years

And with a great well of

Residual sadness,

That I have come to understand

What trepidation

Your arrival had caused.

Upsetting a fragile balance

That was always precarious.

And tomorrow

When you came

The scales were tipped,

And never righted.

Lives forever changed.

Loving you

And all that meant

For my life

Began tomorrow.

And though,

Once again, you are not here,

The impact of you

Has changed me forever.

I know that I can love

Without prejudice.

I can give of myself

For no reward,

Just the love it brings.

I can be strong in my convictions,

Stand firm,

Even in the fiercest winds,

And my love

Of you

And all those who love me

Will never bend.